It's on again......

The time has come once again. I went to the RE on Wednesday for an ultrasound to see if my follicles were big enough to do my hcg trigger shot Wednesday night and the IUI Friday morning. They want your follicles to be 18mm...I had one at 17.5, one at 14, and numerous tiny ones. They told me to wait to trigger on Thursday and the IUI would be on Saturday. Then yesterday, I started to feel as though I was ovulating. If I was, the IUI on Saturday would be too late to get pregnant.

I triggered last night and requested that they do an ultrasound this morning to see if I had already ovulated. If I had, I was prepared to do the IUI today. If I had not ovulated, we would do the IUI tomorrow. Well, I did not ovulate yet. Great news...I now have TWO follicles. The one that was 17.5mm is now 21.5mm. The one that was 14mm is now 18mm.

My IUI is tomorrow morning at 8:30. I am so excited because I have NEVER had two follicles. I have always either had one or failed to stimulate at all.

I do not think I have smiled so big since finding out I was pregnant the first week of October 2007.

*Warning* Crazy Ramblings Ahead.......

I am so freaking excited. Since the baby died, I have had an obsession with having twins. I know that it may not make sense to many people, but I think that if I can get twins, I will get my baby back. It's like this......I have this sense that by having twins, the baby that died is returning. I do not feel like my baby will return if I am only pregnant with one, only if I get twins. I loved that baby so much, you guys. I do not think that many babies were so very much wanted or loved. I can honestly say that losing the baby was one of the hardest things ever. Not only did I grieve the loss of my child, but I also had to grieve the loss of my dreams of that child. The baby was due in June. I had all of these dreams of K working in the yard this summer while slinging the baby. I thought about taking the baby on hikes this fall. And I know all of this can happen with the next baby, but one of the hardest aspects has been grieving the loss of my dreams for that particular child. My heart broke when I started bleeding and it has continued to break every day since then. I know people can wish and wish for things that will never happen, but I want my baby back.

Anyway, I would be *thrilled* to have twins. I would not be *thrilled* about the extra work and chaos. But for me, twins means I get my baby back.

Am I nuts?


Katherine said...

Found you via MDC, but I wanted to suggest you check out Baby Catcher by Peggy Vincent. They mention Spirit Babies in a few sections, and it was an idea I could really relate to.

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